關於 childhood memory writing ，我們在網路上蒐集到這些相關的討論、資訊與評價

【天青色等煙雨，而我在等你】(English writing below)

我看著客人眼淚
滴滴答答的打在桌面上
筆記本
濕了
本子上的字
糊了

她的心酸
猶如洪泉遇到崩裂的堤壩
一波一浪的破牆而出

一個被愛情辜負的女子
看了真是心疼

我不由自覺的
想到了自己

你懂我的
像我這樣剛烈的女子
爲了愛情
我絕不退縮
祇是一個勇字
又豈能成事呢

童年
過得心驚膽顫
家裡常吵得
雞犬不寧

爸爸沒想要
把我生下
媽媽常說
要把我趕出去

我很努力讀書
我很努力做個乖孩子
我覺得我做得很好
人小小本事很大
但這些終究無法
讓我在美滿的家庭長大

多少個夜晚裡
我被媽媽打得
想奪門而出
永不再見
可是想到誰來照顧她
我又忍下來

我很恨
為何我命運不如人

第一次談戀愛時
我是多麼多麼的雀躍
內心裡的煙花
不斷地爆開
我終於等到了
不再是
沒人要的孩子了

我終於
值得有人愛了

初戀的絢麗
卻也如七彩美麗的煙花
一聲巨響後
就消失在漆黑的夜裡

他常常在我面前
提到他如何深愛著
他中學時的校花
她是如此的美好

有一次
這校花來我們的學校
他得知後
破課室的門而出
沒見到她
他哭了一整個星期

心中的不安
讓我常常與他吵架
三年零八個月裡
我不是一個好女友
服滿兵役後
他喜歡上大學迎新會
的一位混血兒

後來
我和一位校友打了幾次桌球
某夜
他在ICQ向我索吻
對他的印象
就一落千丈了
（你以為老娘在賤賣嗎？）
不久一位朋友告訴我
他約會的對象
不只我一個

我有一位
很好很好的朋友
我在新加坡時
他常陪我
深夜打桌球到清晨
聊佛法聊人生
一起上佛學班
一起學國標舞
從未有一個人
如此瞭解我的心
如此照顧著我

但無所不談的當兒
他也不斷告訴
這麼多年來
他如何愛念著
一個女孩
對她始終無法忘懷

我又輸給
活在記憶中的人了

我這一份單戀
長達兩年
很磨人很磨人很磨人
差一點走不出來

第二次談戀愛
他常在我面前提起
一個他追了半年追不到的女孩
他說
有一天一定要去問她
為什麼不選擇他

在家裡的毒打
並沒有隨著我成人
而停止

後來拜師學藝
卻因爲品德不良
被師父一句
「你不是我要找的人。」
斷然吃了閉門羹

那天我哭得痛徹心扉
覺得自己
好像是
個沒人要的孩子

方文山因爲
八百年前
宋徽宗皇帝御批的這句
「雨過天青雲破處」
而在周傑倫《青花瓷》裡
寫了『天青色等煙雨，而我在等你』

他說
愛情里最無力的無奈
就是「等待」
天青色得等待
不知何時會降的雨
雨停
積雲散去
朗朗晴空中
天青色才能顯現
如同我
只能被动而安静的
等待着
不知何时才会出现的妳。

慢慢的
我開始認為
我這輩子等不到了
月老應該沒幫我
綁上紅線

學佛多年後
忽然恍然大悟
一個道理
没有东西是必须拥有的
沒有它
也不代表自己的不足

愛情
是一個填不滿的慾望
所以愛情劇長紅

在2015年2月21日年初三，根本上師蓮生活佛在台灣中天綜合電視台的訪談中說：https://youtu.be/EPDxwSt6a5I （時間12:08）

「師尊本身的愛是這樣的。我既然愛她，就是要她幸福，不是要佔有她，這種愛不是佔有，其實愛不是佔有。如果愛是佔有的話，那就是屬於慾望。如果愛不是佔有，我是祝福她，雖然我愛她，她不愛我，她愛別人，我就祝福她。如果愛別人會比較幸福，我就祝福她。這種愛就不是佔有的愛。如果是佔有的愛，一定會產生痛苦。」

原來我真正在等的
是自己
自己的智慧開了
心變闊達時
才不會讓他人決定
自己幾時可以幸福
可以幸福多久
命運在我手中
怎麼走本來就是我說了算

我輕輕的拿起桌上的紙巾，遞給女客人。她一把鼻涕，一把眼淚的向我道謝。

借了師父慣用的笑話，我柔聲細語的說：「別哭，新加坡缺水，要哭要到蓄水池哭，這樣我們可以少看馬來西亞的臉色做人。」

她破涕而笑。

我再說：「我看了妳的八字，現在又看到妳真人，勸你跟我講話老實一點，要不然我幫不到妳。妳明明一直做人家的小三，還敢跟我哭沒有男人要和妳結婚？妳不也偷偷拿了他不少錢嗎？我看妳明明就是一張愛錢的臉。」

奉勸各位大俠，在我面前，若要用眼淚爲武器，請三思，因爲虛偽的，我必定拆你面具。

..........................

I looked at the teardrops of my client, pitter patter onto the table top. My client's notebook got wet. The words got muddled.

All the pains in her heart were like the angry river crushing through a broken dam, tearing down the walls as the tears flowed.

To see a lady being let down by love was indeed heart-breaking.

I couldn't help but thought of myself.

You know me. An unyielding character like mine will not shrink like a coward in the name of love. Alas, there are things in life that can't be accomplished solely with courage.

My childhood was filled with a lot of fear. There were often quarrels at home.

My dad didn't want me to be born. My mum often said she wanted to chase me out of the house.

I studied very hard. I did my utmost to be an obedient kid, and I thought I did very well as young child but I was already very capable. However, all these were not enough for me to grow up in a complete family.

So many nights, I got beaten up so badly by my mum that I wanted to just break out of the door and never to see her again. But the mere thought of nobody looking after her pulled me back.

I hated so much. Why wasn't my destiny comparable to other people?

When I first fell in love, I was so elated. The fireworks in my heart exploded non-stop. I finally found someone. I was no longer that child which nobody wanted. I was finally worthy of someone's love.

The splendour of first love, however, was as temporal as the rainbow-coloured fireworks. After a loud explosion, it vanished into the darkness of night.

He would often tell me in my face, how much he pined for and loved his secondary school crush, apparently the prettiest and most perfect girl in school.

Once, this campus belle came to our school. When he got wind of the news, he dashed out of the classroom. Failing to see her, he cried for one whole week.

My insecurity caused me to quarrel with him often. In those 3 years and 8 months, I wasn't a great girlfriend. After his NS, he got together with a girl of mixed blood at his university's Orientation camp.

I played pool with a uni mate a few times. One night over ICQ, he teased me for a kiss. My impression of him dropped like hot cakes. Did I look like I was lelong-ing myself? Later, a girl pal told me that he was dating several girls at the same time.

I had a very good friend. Whenever I was in Singapore, he would accompany me to play pool till wee hours. We talked about Dharma, life, and we attended Buddhism and ballroom dancing classes together. I had never met a person who understood me and took care of me so well.

But among our endless conversations of everything and anything, he always told me how he still loved a girl from his school. He couldn't forget her.

Again, I lost to someone who lived in the memory of the guy I liked.

This one-sided love of mine burned for two years. It was very, very, very excruciating. I almost didn't make it out alive.

In my second relationship, the boyfriend would always tell me about a pretty girl whom he pursued for half a year, but failed to win her heart. He told me firmly that if he had the chance, he wanted to ask her why she did not choose him.

The abusive beating at home did not stop even after I grew up.

Later on, when I wanted to become Shifu's disciple, he turned me down flat because he didn't think I had good morals and values. He was blunt, "You are not the person I am looking for."

That night, I cried painfully hard. Suddenly, I felt like I was the kid from my childhood whom nobody wanted.

800 years ago, Emperor Huizong of Song Dynasty wrote in an imperial decree "雨過天青雲破處". It was this that inspired Vincent Fang (方文山) to write the lyrics 『天青色等煙雨，而我在等你』in Jay Chou's song 青花瓷 (Blue and white porcelain).

Vincent Fang said, the most powerless kind of helplessness in love was waiting.

The sky green colour had to wait for the rain, which it had no idea when it would arrive. After the rain stopped, the thick clouds dissipated, in the clear skies, the sky green colour would then be able to appear. This was just like how he could only passively and quietly wait, for his lady whom he had no idea when she would appear.

Gradually, I started thinking that in this lifetime, I would not be able to wait for that person to appear. Perhaps Yue Lao (the elderly celestial under the moon) did not tie the red string on me.

After many years of learning the Dharma, one day, I suddenly came to the realisation that nothing is a must to own.

Secular love is a black hole of desires. That is why romantic shows are evergreen.

On 21 February 2015, the 3rd day of the Lunar New Year, my Root Guru Living Buddha Lian-Sheng spoke in an interview with the Taiwan CTI Television Inc.: https://youtu.be/EPDxwSt6a5I （timestamp 12:08）

"My personal take on love is this. Since I love her, I will want her to be blissful, and not to possess her. Such love isn't possession. Actually love isn't possession. If love is possession, that belongs to desire. If love isn't desire, I will wish her well. Although I love her, she doesn't love me, but loves another person, so I will give her my best wishes. If loving another person brings her more happiness, I will wish her well. Such love isn't possessive love. If it is possessive love, there will surely be pain."

Then I realised, the one that I had been waiting all along for is myself. Waiting for my wisdom to develop, waiting for my heart to be more open, so that I would not place my happiness in the hands of another person, and let the person decide for me when I should be happy, for how long I can stay happy...

My destiny is in my hands. How it pans out is up to me to say.

I gently picked up a serviette from the table and passed it to my lady client. In a mush of mucus and tears, she thanked me.

Borrowing an old joke from Shifu, I gently told her, "Don't cry. Singapore lacks water. If you want to cry, you should cry at a nearby reservoir. This way, we don't have to see the colours of Malaysia in order to get more water."

She broke into a smile among her tears.

I continued, "After looking at your Bazi, and now that I have seen you in person, I advise you to be more honest with me, or else I will not be able to help you. You have all along been a mistress to other men, and you dare to come crying to me that no man wanted to marry you? Didn't you also stole some money from them? The way I see you, you obviously have a money grubber face."

My advice to all swordsmen: If you wish to use your tears as a weapon in front of me, think thrice. Because if you are a hypocrite, I will definitely rip your mask apart.

【天青色等煙雨，而我在等你】(English writing below)

我看著客人眼淚
滴滴答答的打在桌面上
筆記本
濕了
本子上的字
糊了

她的心酸
猶如洪泉遇到崩裂的堤壩
一波一浪的破牆而出

一個被愛情辜負的女子
看了真是心疼

我不由自覺的
想到了自己

你懂我的
像我這樣剛烈的女子
爲了愛情
我絕不退縮
祇是一個勇字
豈能成事

童年
過得心驚膽顫
家裡常吵得
雞犬不寧

爸爸沒想要
把我生下
媽媽常說
要把我趕出去

我很努力讀書
我很努力做個乖孩子
我覺得我做得很好
人小小本事很大
但這些終究無法
讓我在美滿的家庭長大

多少個夜晚裡
我被媽媽打得
想奪門而出
永不再見
可是想到誰來照顧她
我又忍下來

我很恨
為何我命運不如人

第一次談戀愛時
我是多麼多麼的雀躍
內心裡的煙花
不斷地爆開
我終於等到了
不再是
沒人要的孩子了

我終於
值得有人愛了

初戀的絢麗
卻也如七彩美麗的煙花
一聲巨響後
就消失在漆黑的夜裡

他常常在我面前
提到他如何深愛著
他中學時的校花
她是如此的美好

有一次
這校花來我們的學校
他得知後
破課室的門而出
沒見到她
他哭了一整個星期

心中的不安
讓我常常與他吵架
三年零八個月裡
我不是一個好女友
服滿兵役後
他喜歡上大學迎新會
的一位混血兒

後來
我和一位校友打了幾次桌球
某夜
他在ICQ向我索吻
對他的印象
就一落千丈了
（你以為老娘在賤賣嗎？）
不久一位朋友告訴我
他約會的對象
不只我一個

我有一位
很好很好的朋友
我在新加坡時
他常陪我
深夜打桌球到清晨
聊佛法聊人生
一起上佛學班
一起學國標舞
從未有一個人
如此瞭解我的心
如此照顧著我

但無所不談的當兒
他也不斷告訴
這麼多年來
他如何愛念著
一個女孩
對她無法始終忘懷

我又輸給
活在記憶中的人了

我這一份單戀
長達兩年
很磨人很磨人很磨人
差一點走不出來

第二次談戀愛
他常在我面前提起
一個他追了半年追不到的女孩
他說
有一天一定要去問她
為什麼不選擇他

在家裡的毒打
並沒有隨著我成人
而停止

後來拜師學藝
卻因爲品德不良
被師父一句
「你不是我要找的人。」
斷然吃了閉門羹

那天我哭得痛徹心扉
覺得自己
好像是
個沒人要的孩子

方文山因爲
八百年前
宋徽宗皇帝御批的這句
「雨過天青雲破處」
而在周傑倫《青花瓷》裡
寫了『天青色等煙雨，而我在等你』

他說
爱情里最无力的无奈
就是「等待」
天青色得等待
不知何時會降的雨
雨停
积云散去
朗朗晴空中
天青色才能顯現
如同我
只能被动而安静的
等待着
不知何时才会出现的妳。

慢慢的
我開始認為
我這輩子等不到了
月老應該沒幫我
綁上紅線

學佛多年後
忽然恍然大悟
一個道理
没有东西是必须拥有的。
沒有它
也不代表自己的不足

愛情
是一個填不滿的慾望
所以愛情劇長紅

在2015年2月21日年初三，根本上師蓮生活佛在台灣中天綜合電視台的訪談中說：
「師尊本身的愛是這樣的。我既然愛她，就是要她幸福，不是要佔有她，這種愛不是佔有，其實愛不是佔有。如果愛是佔有的話，那就是屬於慾望。如果愛不是佔有，我是祝福她，雖然我愛她，她不愛我，她愛別人，我就祝福她。如果愛別人會比較幸福，我就祝福她。這種愛就不是佔有的愛。如果是佔有的愛，一定會產生痛苦。」

原來我真正在等的
是自己
自己的智慧開了
心變闊達時
才不會讓他人決定
自己幾時可以幸福
可以幸福多久
命運在我手中
怎麼走本來就是我說了算

我輕輕的拿起桌上的紙巾，遞給女客人。她一把鼻涕，一把眼淚的向我道謝。

借了師父慣用的笑話，我柔聲細語的說：『別哭，新加坡缺水，要哭要到蓄水池哭，這樣我們可以少看馬來西亞的臉色做人。』

她破涕而笑。

我再說：「我看了妳的八字，現在又看到妳真人，勸你跟我講話老實一點，要不然我幫不到妳。妳明明一直做人家的小三，還敢跟我哭沒有男人要和妳結婚？妳不也偷偷拿了他不少錢嗎？我看妳明明就是一張愛錢的臉。」

奉勸各位大俠，在我面前，若要用眼淚爲武器，請三思，因爲虛偽的，我必定拆你面具。

..........................

I looked at the teardrops of my client, pitter patter onto the table top. My client's notebook got wet. The words got muddled.

All the pains in her heart were like the angry river crushing through a broken dam, tearing down the walls as the tears flowed.

To see a lady being let down by love was indeed heart-breaking.

I couldn't help but thought of myself.

You know me. An unyielding character like mine will not shrink like a coward in the name of love. Alas, there are things in life that can't be accomplished solely with courage.

My childhood was filled with a lot of fear. There were often quarrels at home.

My dad didn't want me to be born. My mum often said she wanted to chase me out of the house.

I studied very hard. I did my utmost to be an obedient kid, and I thought I did very well as young child but I was already very capable. However, all these were not enough for me to grow up in a complete family.

So many nights, I got beaten up so badly by my mum that I wanted to just break out of the door and never to see her again. But the mere thought of nobody looking after her pulled me back.

I hated so much. Why wasn't my destiny comparable to other people?

When I first fell in love, I was so elated. The fireworks in my heart exploded non-stop. I finally found someone. I was no longer that child which nobody wanted. I was finally worthy of someone's love.

The splendour of first love, however, was as temporal as the rainbow-coloured fireworks. After a loud explosion, it vanished into the darkness of night.

He would often tell me in my face, how much he pined for and loved his secondary school crush, apparently the prettiest and most perfect girl in school.

Once, this campus belle came to our school. When he got wind of the news, he dashed out of the classroom. Failing to see her, he cried for one whole week.

My insecurity caused me to quarrel with him often. In those 3 years and 8 months, I wasn't a great girlfriend. After his NS, he got together with a girl of mixed blood at his university's Orientation camp.

I played pool with a uni mate a few times. One night over ICQ, he teased me for a kiss. My impression of him dropped like hot cakes. Did I look like I was lelong-ing myself? Later, a girl pal told me that he was dating several girls at the same time.

I had a very good friend. Whenever I was in Singapore, he would accompany me to play pool till wee hours. We talked about Dharma, life, and we attended Buddhism and ballroom dancing classes together. I had never met a person who understood me and took care of me so well.

But among our endless conversations of everything and anything, he always told me how he still loved a girl from his school. He couldn't forget her.

Again, I lost to someone who lived in the memory of the guy I liked.

This one-sided love of mine burned for two years. It was very, very, very excruciating. I almost didn't make it out alive.

In my second relationship, the boyfriend would always tell me about a pretty girl who he pursued for half a year, but failed to win her heart. He told me firmly that if he had the chance, he wanted to ask her why she did not choose him.

The abusive beating at home did not stop even after I grew up.

Later on, when I wanted to become Shifu's disciple, he turned me down flat because he didn't think I had good morals and values. He was blunt, "You are not the person I am looking for."

That night, I cried painfully hard. Suddenly, I felt like I was the kid from my childhood whom nobody wanted.

800 years ago, Emperor Huizong of Song Dynasty wrote in an imperial decree "雨過天青雲破處". It was this that inspired Vincent Fang (方文山) to write the lyrics 『天青色等煙雨，而我在等你』in Jay Chou's song 青花瓷 (Blue and white porcelain).

Vincent Fang said, the most powerless form of helplessness in love is waiting.

The sky green colour had to wait for the rain, which it had no idea when it would arrive. After the rain stopped, the thick clouds dissipated, in the clear skies, the sky green colour would then be able to appear. This was just like how he could only passively and quietly wait, for his lady whom he had no idea when she would appear.

Gradually, I started thinking that in this lifetime, I would not be able to wait for that person to appear. Perhaps Yue Lao (the elderly celestial under the moon) did not tie the red string on me.

After many years of learning the Dharma, one day, I suddenly came to the realisation that nothing is a must to own.

Secular love is a black hole of desires. That is why romantic shows are evergreen.

On 21 February 2015, the 3rd day of the Lunar New Year, my Root Guru Living Buddha Lian-Sheng spoke in an interview with the Taiwan CTI Television Inc.:

"My personal take on love is this. Since I love her, I will want her to be blissful, and not to possess her. Such love isn't possession. Actually love isn't possession. If love is possession, that belongs to desire. If love isn't desire, I will wish her well. Although I love her, she doesn't love me, but loves another person, so I will give her my best wishes. If loving another person brings her more happiness, I will wish her well. Such love isn't possessive love. If it is possessive love, there will surely be pain."

Then I realised, the one that I had been waiting all along for is myself. Waiting for my wisdom to develop, waiting for my heart to be more open, so that I would not place my happiness in the hands of another person, and let the person decide for me when I should be happy, for how long I can stay happy...

My destiny is in my hands. How it pans out is up to me to say.

I gently picked up a serviette from the table and passed it to my lady client. In a mush of mucus and tears, she thanked me.

Borrowing an old joke from Shifu, I gently told her, "Don't cry. Singapore lacks water. If you want to cry, you should cry at a nearby reservoir. This way, we don't have to see the colours of Malaysia in order to get more water."

She broke into a smile among her tears.

I continued, "After looking at your Bazi, and now that I have seen you in person, I advise you to be more honest with me, or else I will not be able to help you. You have all along been a mistress to other men, and you dare to come crying to me that no man wanted to marry you? Didn't you also stole some money from them? The way I see you, you obviously have a money grubber face."

My advice to all swordsmen: If you wish to use your tears as a weapon in front me, think thrice. Because if you are a hypocrite, I will definitely rip your mask apart.

An incredibly beautiful, sad, brave, wise, inspiring post by Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg. Early this year, I read her book 'Lean In', a book encouraging women to achieve their dreams and ambitions, and was so grateful it was written for such a time as this. I especially loved her chapter about David being so supportive of her. I'm still stunned by all that's happened to them.

Here's to beating the heck out of Option B.

Today is the end of sheloshim for my beloved husband—the first thirty days. Judaism calls for a period of intense mourning known as shiva that lasts seven days after a loved one is buried. After shiva, most normal activities can be resumed, but it is the end of sheloshim that marks the completion of religious mourning for a spouse.

A childhood friend of mine who is now a rabbi recently told me that the most powerful one-line prayer he has ever read is: “Let me not die while I am still alive.” I would have never understood that prayer before losing Dave. Now I do.

I think when tragedy occurs, it presents a choice. You can give in to the void, the emptiness that fills your heart, your lungs, constricts your ability to think or even breathe. Or you can try to find meaning. These past thirty days, I have spent many of my moments lost in that void. And I know that many future moments will be consumed by the vast emptiness as well.

But when I can, I want to choose life and meaning.

And this is why I am writing: to mark the end of sheloshim and to give back some of what others have given to me. While the experience of grief is profoundly personal, the bravery of those who have shared their own experiences has helped pull me through. Some who opened their hearts were my closest friends. Others were total strangers who have shared wisdom and advice publicly. So I am sharing what I have learned in the hope that it helps someone else. In the hope that there can be some meaning from this tragedy.

I have lived thirty years in these thirty days. I am thirty years sadder. I feel like I am thirty years wiser.

I have gained a more profound understanding of what it is to be a mother, both through the depth of the agony I feel when my children scream and cry and from the connection my mother has to my pain. She has tried to fill the empty space in my bed, holding me each night until I cry myself to sleep. She has fought to hold back her own tears to make room for mine. She has explained to me that the anguish I am feeling is both my own and my children’s, and I understood that she was right as I saw the pain in her own eyes.

I have learned that I never really knew what to say to others in need. I think I got this all wrong before; I tried to assure people that it would be okay, thinking that hope was the most comforting thing I could offer. A friend of mine with late-stage cancer told me that the worst thing people could say to him was “It is going to be okay.” That voice in his head would scream, How do you know it is going to be okay? Do you not understand that I might die? I learned this past month what he was trying to teach me. Real empathy is sometimes not insisting that it will be okay but acknowledging that it is not. When people say to me, “You and your children will find happiness again,” my heart tells me, Yes, I believe that, but I know I will never feel pure joy again. Those who have said, “You will find a new normal, but it will never be as good” comfort me more because they know and speak the truth. Even a simple “How are you?”—almost always asked with the best of intentions—is better replaced with “How are you today?” When I am asked “How are you?” I stop myself from shouting, My husband died a month ago, how do you think I am? When I hear “How are you today?” I realize the person knows that the best I can do right now is to get through each day.

I have learned some practical stuff that matters. Although we now know that Dave died immediately, I didn’t know that in the ambulance. The trip to the hospital was unbearably slow. I still hate every car that did not move to the side, every person who cared more about arriving at their destination a few minutes earlier than making room for us to pass. I have noticed this while driving in many countries and cities. Let’s all move out of the way. Someone’s parent or partner or child might depend on it.

I have learned how ephemeral everything can feel—and maybe everything is. That whatever rug you are standing on can be pulled right out from under you with absolutely no warning. In the last thirty days, I have heard from too many women who lost a spouse and then had multiple rugs pulled out from under them. Some lack support networks and struggle alone as they face emotional distress and financial insecurity. It seems so wrong to me that we abandon these women and their families when they are in greatest need.

I have learned to ask for help—and I have learned how much help I need. Until now, I have been the older sister, the COO, the doer and the planner. I did not plan this, and when it happened, I was not capable of doing much of anything. Those closest to me took over. They planned. They arranged. They told me where to sit and reminded me to eat. They are still doing so much to support me and my children.

I have learned that resilience can be learned. Adam M. Grant taught me that three things are critical to resilience and that I can work on all three. Personalization—realizing it is not my fault. He told me to ban the word “sorry.” To tell myself over and over, This is not my fault. Permanence—remembering that I won’t feel like this forever. This will get better. Pervasiveness—this does not have to affect every area of my life; the ability to compartmentalize is healthy.

For me, starting the transition back to work has been a savior, a chance to feel useful and connected. But I quickly discovered that even those connections had changed. Many of my co-workers had a look of fear in their eyes as I approached. I knew why—they wanted to help but weren’t sure how. Should I mention it? Should I not mention it? If I mention it, what the hell do I say? I realized that to restore that closeness with my colleagues that has always been so important to me, I needed to let them in. And that meant being more open and vulnerable than I ever wanted to be. I told those I work with most closely that they could ask me their honest questions and I would answer. I also said it was okay for them to talk about how they felt. One colleague admitted she’d been driving by my house frequently, not sure if she should come in. Another said he was paralyzed when I was around, worried he might say the wrong thing. Speaking openly replaced the fear of doing and saying the wrong thing. One of my favorite cartoons of all time has an elephant in a room answering the phone, saying, “It’s the elephant.” Once I addressed the elephant, we were able to kick him out of the room.

At the same time, there are moments when I can’t let people in. I went to Portfolio Night at school where kids show their parents around the classroom to look at their work hung on the walls. So many of the parents—all of whom have been so kind—tried to make eye contact or say something they thought would be comforting. I looked down the entire time so no one could catch my eye for fear of breaking down. I hope they understood.

I have learned gratitude. Real gratitude for the things I took for granted before—like life. As heartbroken as I am, I look at my children each day and rejoice that they are alive. I appreciate every smile, every hug. I no longer take each day for granted. When a friend told me that he hates birthdays and so he was not celebrating his, I looked at him and said through tears, “Celebrate your birthday, goddammit. You are lucky to have each one.” My next birthday will be depressing as hell, but I am determined to celebrate it in my heart more than I have ever celebrated a birthday before.

I am truly grateful to the many who have offered their sympathy. A colleague told me that his wife, whom I have never met, decided to show her support by going back to school to get her degree—something she had been putting off for years. Yes! When the circumstances allow, I believe as much as ever in leaning in. And so many men—from those I know well to those I will likely never know—are honoring Dave’s life by spending more time with their families.

I can’t even express the gratitude I feel to my family and friends who have done so much and reassured me that they will continue to be there. In the brutal moments when I am overtaken by the void, when the months and years stretch out in front of me endless and empty, only their faces pull me out of the isolation and fear. My appreciation for them knows no bounds.

I was talking to one of these friends about a father-child activity that Dave is not here to do. We came up with a plan to fill in for Dave. I cried to him, “But I want Dave. I want option A.” He put his arm around me and said, “Option A is not available. So let’s just kick the shit out of option B.”

Dave, to honor your memory and raise your children as they deserve to be raised, I promise to do all I can to kick the shit out of option B. And even though sheloshim has ended, I still mourn for option A. I will always mourn for option A. As Bono sang, “There is no end to grief . . . and there is no end to love.” I love you, Dave.